husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Beware of fowl play.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.