I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
just gave your address to some spiders
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?