During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john