During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You learn something every day
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.