[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer