@MavenofHonor: [during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
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@DistractedMomma: Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.
@NicestHippo: *deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl* Oh my goodness was that my...(sexy voice) political science degree
@NYC_Blonde: If you say "I don't feel good" and a pregnant woman says "Me neither," DO NOT respond with "Yeah, but you chose this for yourself..."
@TheGoodGodAbove: The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they're threatened at gunpoint