{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
☺️
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo