During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I need this for my side hustle.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”