Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks