[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can鈥檛 help you now
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn鈥檛 tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There鈥檚 only water animals there
2: Cows!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you鈥檙e gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone鈥檚 subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that鈥檚 a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
professor x: what鈥檚 your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money