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@Paige__xxx: [ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I'm hungry.
@BlindChow: WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding's off
DOG: this is bullshit
@Try2StopME: *pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You're free now
@krissywillbretz: [god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
@Cheeseboy22: Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
@ArfMeasures: ALLIGATOR: I'm gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I'm gonna somehow try to eat you twice