[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku