[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio