I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Stick it to the man
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???