[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*bites zombie*
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies