If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!
@WineMummy: [during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.
@XplodingUnicorn: I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
@ryaninco: You know you've had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.
@Contwixt: In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
@david8hughes: [at work]
"Mornin. You're late today."
[looks at watch]
"Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"