banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.