Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You Might Also Like
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.