[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about