[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me if I was a dog
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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Squash
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Well, that should do it
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”