[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
😅😅😅
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}