The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Not messing around
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
The USS B port
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.