[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again