[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
(Jupiter –
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too