[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Don’t make me out nice you.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.