[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes