{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.