{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative