Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.