I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
You Might Also Like
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”