*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?