[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em