[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Haha! 😂
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Mountain Goat : )
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*