Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.