[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?