I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“What?”
– Jude
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?