“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway