I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?