@iAmDelFreaky: <during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn't just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it's pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn't bother me.
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@WilliamAder: I'm no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
@ZWindsor_: Teacher- "How much is a gram?" Me- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out"
@notalogin: [2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human
@asimplesean: Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
@mewchainz: My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, "werewolf."
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