<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?