<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
You Might Also Like
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Tier 3 meme
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot