[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Tremendous stuff
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
thanks auntie mary
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.