[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
this… may be the greatest story ever told
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more