(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”