[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
You Might Also Like
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.