*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
my sentiments exactly
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food