*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.