[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)