During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.