@GrantTanaka: During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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@abhorrent_wife: Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.
@chrisrockoz: You only live once, so don't forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
@AngelaEhh: I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said 'do not eat'. That was close.
@River_Niles: 2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy! Me: Oh ok then 2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy! Me: huh? 2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY