@GrantTanaka: During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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@iGreenMonk: "Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!" means "I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."
@funnybeachgirl: What's white & falls from the sky? "The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.
@duumb: Me: Dammit I'm not gonna let you die on my watch Her: *chokes* It's too late Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It's a Rolex.
@CornOnTheGoblin: °pulls up to drive-thru° [ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE [FREIND] aren't you on a diet [ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND