@lovemydogduck: During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night I'm a little bit more open minded
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@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@daemonic3: FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge ME: ok [later] WAITER: [to date] Ready to- ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
@Sarcasmo718: When I'm sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve's house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.
@seantgreen: One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.