During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
relationship goals
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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