What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”